Monday, March 9, 2009

NonMom

NonMom

©2009 Celeste Billhartz


I know your story ... the hardships that battered your soul

The meanness and cruelty foisted on your little-girl heart

A childhood left to rot along Life’s highway.

 

I’m so sorry you were robbed of safety and love.


You had a baby and ... your parents gave her away,

Made you pretend it never happened

Made you get on with your rotting life.


And so, you did.

 

Maybe, you piled that loss on top of all the other scars

Maybe,  that explains it.

See, I need to make sense of your meanness.

 

I know your daughter, and I’ve seen a photo of you

And, there’s no doubt she’s yours

She ... is ... your .... daughter.


Do you know how much she needs you?

She needs you in her Life, wants you to meet your grandchildren

You told her, “No!”

 

Perhaps, you have lived too long in your denial

Still hiding .... and, needlessly, stony-cold

Your heart sequestered ‘neath your scars.

.............................

This poem, NonMom, is about a mother who refuses to reunite with the daughter she lost to adoption, 40 years ago. She has met her, has had moments of joy with her, but, now, refuses to acknowledge her or work through the difficulties in reunion. She, I think, is terrified. I hope she sees this poem and knows how important she is to that young woman, who wanted to find her, all her life.

The damage done to her mother, early on, likely makes "blissful reunion" out of the question, but, maybe, they can meet each other half-way and come to terms with the relationship they have ... or could have, if each is patient and compassionate.

My friend needs to know her mother. We all need to know our mothers. Most of us get that opportunity and most of us are welcomed by our mothers. A very few, like my friend's mother, do not have the emotional stability to risk the openness and faithfulness necessary for reunion. 

I support mother/adoptee reunion in all cases. We don't have to stay in contact if we don't like each other or have nothing in common ... but, at the least, we should send yearly updates. And, when we hit the bumps in the reunion road, we really ought to be a lot kinder to each other. 

So, mother-of-my-friend, may you find enough faithfulness to reconnect with this kind and loving daughter who wants you in her life. 

......................

 I have never met a mother who doesn't want to reunite with her child .... I only know the many who never stopped loving the son or daughter their parents forced them to surrender to secretive, closed adoptions. Nor, have I met adoptees who don't want to reunite with their mothers.  I have met mothers and adoptees whose reunions were not successful or are stagnate. I know the many younger mothers, today,  suckered into "open adoption" arrangements that work ONLY so long as they stay on the good side of the adoptive mothers. That said, I welcome hearing from mothers who don't want to reunite with their children, adoptees who don't want to reunite with their mothers, moms and adoptees who have broken off contact, and from young moms happy in open adoptions. Email me, please, at cbsongs@aol.com

9 comments:

mia said...

If you receive answers and can shed some light and understanding on it please write about it. For me a little understanding would go a long way in my ability to find forgiveness for being rejected.

Celeste Billhartz said...

Thanks Mia ... I have yet to hear from a NonMom, but I hope to, want to ... need to. I need to hear her story, to hear her reasons why, today, she refuses to extend compassion to her daughter/son. I just need to understand ... and, then, I will share that reasoning with you. That would have to be part of the deal -- that I will share the explanation with others. I will not identify her, of course, but I will ask that she be honest with me so that the adoptees I hear from, who are in this Refused Reunion Limbo, may find peace. That is owed .... owed to them. And, the same thing goes for adoptees who leave their mothers in RRL ...:)

That said, I caution us all to be careful what you wish for ...:) Not everybody is "wrapped tight" and the last thing anyone wants to experience is unnecessary intrusion. I'm just saying ...:) Be kind.
And, be careful.

Cheerio! said...

Have you read the article "why my birthmom won't meet me"
Although that's about meeting, It might share some insight on some of the 'whys'.

KathyMom said...

I know one. At least I know OF her. I helped my BFF Jean look for her mom. We found her 5 years ago. Mom refused contact. We waited a year, then contacted her again (by letter) to ask for medical info. Mom refused contact AGAIN. Said she was a "good girl gone bad." 3 more years pass. I found the family on Ancestry.com. I made a family tree for my friend on Ancestry. Lo and behold, one of the family members contacted me asking who I was and how did I belong to the family. I replied, it's Jean's tree, and she's adopted. This is her mother. The secret was then OUT. Next, her aunt contacted me, and then confronted the mother. It was fear, pure and simple. Fear of people knowing her secret. Nobody cared, of course. Not her other kids, not her extended family. Now Jean's mom is coming here to celebrate Jean's birthday in a couple of months!

celeste Billhartz said...

Thanks, Cheerio .... I will check that out.
KathyMom ... wow, I am sooooo happy that you persisted and that had a good outcome ... breaks my heart when reunions are refused ... thank you so much for posting this .... please, email me so I can learn more ... cbsongs@aol.com

Celeste Billhartz said...

Hi All .... I just read the piece Cheerio recommended, by Carole Anderson .... wowowow! I do recommend it for a good read .... I am trying to find an email address for Carole Anderson ... that is really a fine piece. I would like to talk with her. Have a look:
Why My Mother Won't Meet Me" ... some sources have omitted the term, birthmother ... I never use it, either ... sure is a good read. cb

Jane said...

Hi this poem touched me. If you read my blog you will see the heartache of not only my Mother but my older sister who will not have anything to do with me. Initially I had contact by phone with my mother. Its a long story its all on my blog but no she wont have any contact, nor my sister , they do not wish to have contact, it hurts too much. Brings up to many memories.

what about me :(

It doest just hurt me it knifes me every day deep in my heart and soul

We live on opposite sides of the earth, that doesnt help

Celeste Billhartz said...

Ah, Jane ... so very sorry ... I do understand. Please, email me ... cbsongs@aol.com ... and, are you on Facebook?? Please send me a friend request and include a reference to your post on my blog ... thanks. So very sorry for your loss. God, I hate when mothers/first families/adoptees won't be gracious and reunite. Please, do write to me ... thanks, Celeste

Von said...

Compassion in a fearful situation, many mothers are guilty, afraid of rejection and recrimination, rightly so sometimes.
Drop by sometime http://eag-oncewasvon.blogspot.com