Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My Hardened Heart

My Hardened Heart

© 2009 Celeste Billhartz

 I’m not sure when it happened, exactly. I just remember thinking, “No more Mrs. Nice Guy” ... no more trusting, accepting, smiling, etc. No more automatic acceptance of strangers, automatic friendliness, auto-anything.

 Is this what happens to old women, living alone? Do they just get fed up? Do they stop trusting? I sure have. I’m nowhere nearly as friendly and gracious as I used to be ... all in less than a year’s time. Sad, I know. I dare not greet the world with an open heart, anymore. That can’t be healthy for me, nor for the world. I used to be so nice to people. I just dare not; not so much as before.

 I won’t enumerate the specific events ... business co-mingled with personal ... that brought this on. Suffice to say, I trusted .... trusted too soon. My bad. My naivete. It won’t happen again. I have learned the lesson. I will do better, will be better.

 Still, I am forever changed, finally grown-up, I guess. I know I’m not so damaged that I can’t be polite again, or fun-loving again. I just won’t ever be so genuinely trusting. That’s sad. I can feel myself getting cold and distant. I can feel the shell closing over my .... my ... what? ... my ... sweetness. Yes, that’s what’s gone.

 Not one new person in my life will know that sweet me. She’s gone; probably, to some dreary, silent place for old women with hardening of the hearteries ...:)



Lori said...

There always comes a time in a persons life when trust becomes the victim. For you, it came now. For me, many times over, in different times, have lost faith in the world.

I am easy to talk to, at least that's what they say. But in truth, the me, the deep parts of me, rarely are parts that anyone can see. Those things kept close, hidden, and private, they are my choice, my me.

You, me and all of us, we give until there is no more. Now, you need to heal and restore. It's ok.

Marah66 said...

Warm Hugs from Scotland Celeste,

I am sorry it has been a long while since I have been in contact,but I can tell you, lots of my friends and some family have read your poems.

I have had them in a folder since 2006.

I give the folder out on loan, when I get it back, often I am told,
'I wept a lot', Wow how my eyes were opened to the truth, of the suffering and pain of the adoptee, and the mother, both lost to each other through adoption.

Poetry captures the soul Celeste.

Celeste,I trust this brings you much comfort, that you are making a difference,and the wonderful outcome of your work is here for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE.

Tartan Hugs


celeste Billhartz said...

Lori ... thank you for your kind comments.
Marah ... I am hoping to bring these words to many people and I am so glad you are sharing them with your friends! I want to read them for groups/audiences so people hear the intention ... my intention ... sometimes that is missed when readers "hear" the words from their own perspectives. Of course, a CD and book would be lovely, too.

Anonymous said...

Hey CB

You looked wonderful this morning. Each day brings new gifts. You are loved and you will continue to blossom.

Mary Lou

Robin said...

Just a quick note to tell you that I love you and value all you have done for mothers. If you want to direct me to the idiot who took advantage of your sweet nature, I'll be happy to jack-smack them into the middle of next week.

Celeste Billhartz said...

Ah, dear Robin .... thank you! lol ... I am learning, learning, learning ... and, I think, the lessons are making me stronger, smarter; that can't be a bad thing ...:) Love you, too ... CB