NonMom
©2009 Celeste Billhartz
I know your story ... the hardships that battered your soul
The meanness and cruelty foisted on your little-girl heart
A childhood left to rot along Life’s highway.
I’m so sorry you were robbed of safety and love.
Made you pretend it never happened
Made you get on with your rotting life.
And so, you did.
Maybe, you piled that loss on top of all the other scars
Maybe, that explains it.
See, I need to make sense of your meanness.
I know your daughter, and I’ve seen a photo of you
And, there’s no doubt she’s yours
She ... is ... your .... daughter.
She needs you in her Life, wants you to meet your grandchildren
You told her, “No!”
Perhaps, you have lived too long in your denial
Still hiding .... and, needlessly, stony-cold
Your heart sequestered ‘neath your scars.
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This poem, NonMom, is about a mother who refuses to reunite with the daughter she lost to adoption, 40 years ago. She has met her, has had moments of joy with her, but, now, refuses to acknowledge her or work through the difficulties in reunion. She, I think, is terrified. I hope she sees this poem and knows how important she is to that young woman, who wanted to find her, all her life.
The damage done to her mother, early on, likely makes "blissful reunion" out of the question, but, maybe, they can meet each other half-way and come to terms with the relationship they have ... or could have, if each is patient and compassionate.
My friend needs to know her mother. We all need to know our mothers. Most of us get that opportunity and most of us are welcomed by our mothers. A very few, like my friend's mother, do not have the emotional stability to risk the openness and faithfulness necessary for reunion.
I support mother/adoptee reunion in all cases. We don't have to stay in contact if we don't like each other or have nothing in common ... but, at the least, we should send yearly updates. And, when we hit the bumps in the reunion road, we really ought to be a lot kinder to each other.
So, mother-of-my-friend, may you find enough faithfulness to reconnect with this kind and loving daughter who wants you in her life.
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I have never met a mother who doesn't want to reunite with her child .... I only know the many who never stopped loving the son or daughter their parents forced them to surrender to secretive, closed adoptions. Nor, have I met adoptees who don't want to reunite with their mothers. I have met mothers and adoptees whose reunions were not successful or are stagnate. I know the many younger mothers, today, suckered into "open adoption" arrangements that work ONLY so long as they stay on the good side of the adoptive mothers. That said, I welcome hearing from mothers who don't want to reunite with their children, adoptees who don't want to reunite with their mothers, moms and adoptees who have broken off contact, and from young moms happy in open adoptions. Email me, please, at cbsongs@aol.com
